I found this poem tucked away in my documents folder. I had written it last winter when I was deep into my depression. I think it really shows what I was thinking and feeling back then.
I didn’t notice at first when my days turned to stormy grays,
when the sun began to struggle to shine.
Blue wasn’t seen in the sky.
My days became perpetually dark,
my mood going with it.
It was scary, these
desolate places my mind
plunged into, these caverns
filled with unrelenting darkness.
They were dwellings where nothing thrived.
Life is full of unconscious movements,
things that people just do.
Things that come naturally, easily.
One doesn’t pause and force themselves to do these things.
They just act.
They just feel.
I wished I could do that,
that every move I made wasn’t forced,
thought over, weighed over.
Why was it so hard for me to live?
Some people cut to feel, to clarify, to understand
what is in their mind.
To claw their way up,
and escape, leave
their joyless existence behind.
They are the ones who believe
that if you alter the outside,
those things you can touch, and feel, and control,
you can mend the inside, and
banish the misery that threatens
to sweep you away.
So I will join them
and change my world in my own way.
Gather my courage and
step outside, into the
radiance of day.
I will let the light lead me up,
out of the shadows, and
into the world of the living.